Monday, 22 February 2016

Internet Dating - The Future

Match and Harmony, you know who you are. Well, you're both dead to me. Yes, you heard me, dead. Whatever you had to offer me in the way of love, laughs and companionship, you can cling wrap and flush down the great dating toilet. You have served up munters, liars, cheaters, hobbits and, and this is a direct quote 'damaged and heartbroken man, looking for love'. WTF??? Who, in the name of Simple Simon, is going to take on that particular bundle of laughs? Stay in your cave, heartbroken man, wait until your damage has healed and then head out into the wilds of dating land, in an attempt to hunt down and prey on a mate. Not before! No, no, definitely not before. 'Looking for love', more like 'looking for a miracle/shoulder to cry on/punchbag'. I think not mate!

I didn't fully expect the entire scope of mankind to be on these sites. Oh no, I thought, and oh so stupidly, that these were sites for the serious seeker of love. After all, they are not free, unlike POF, where the less discerning punter looks for love, or at least, a shag. These sites cost money and so would filter out the hoi poloi. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Neon lights should be flashing and a siren blaring at this point - munters have money, liars have money, cheaters have money, well, they need to, don't they? Hobbits have money and so do heartbroken, damaged men, and they ain't afraid to spend it on dating site subscriptions! I was on two  - I know, it fairly reeks of desperation, doesn't it? But you need to speculate to accumulate and one doesn't put all one's eggs into one big shitty basket, now does one? No, one does bloody not do that. Instead I spent an age wording a friendly, smart, hilarious and funny profile. Same pictures on each site, different wording but both good. Both showed a glimpse of me as a person, my sense of humour, my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, (none - well, sleeping but doh! Obviously I didn't include that) what I was looking for etc, etc. The sites then took this information and threw it in a huge melting pot, after which, they came up with who they thought I would be compatible with. Based on Nothing. Whatsoever. From. My. Profile. Fucking genius! What a winning system!! I know what you're saying. "Shame there's no qualification for sarcasm." Well, I think you'll find there is - MOCK GCSEs. And yes, A* for me.

What beggers belief are the gents who have been out to coffee/lunch/dinner with me and then stopped chatting, only to come back at a later date and attempt to strike up conversation as though they had never ABANDONED me!!! (Note the word 'attempt' - you can surely guess the result?)

So, internet dating is over. Dead. For my next trick, I shall attempt to meet someone the old fashioned way, which, for those of you who know me, means that it will be at school. Preferably not a tosser this time though. The school part may be a problem for some people, but not me, because that's where I work!  Obviously not with the students, that would be inappropriate and unethical, but at least if it is with one of the teachers, this time I won't have to report it!

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