Internet Dating - The Future

Match and Harmony, you know who you are. Well, you're both dead to me. Yes, you heard me, dead. Whatever you had to offer me in the way of love, laughs and companionship, you can cling wrap and flush down the great dating toilet. You have served up munters, liars, cheaters, hobbits and, and this is a direct quote 'damaged and heartbroken man, looking for love'. WTF??? Who, in the name of Simple Simon, is going to take on that particular bundle of laughs? Stay in your cave, heartbroken man, wait until your damage has healed and then head out into the wilds of dating land, in an attempt to hunt down and prey on a mate. Not before! No, no, definitely not before. 'Looking for love', more like 'looking for a miracle/shoulder to cry on/punchbag'. I think not mate!

I didn't fully expect the entire scope of mankind to be on these sites. Oh no, I thought, and oh so stupidly, that these were sites for the serious seeker of love. After all, they are not free, unlike POF, where the less discerning punter looks for love, or at least, a shag. These sites cost money and so would filter out the hoi poloi. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Neon lights should be flashing and a siren blaring at this point - munters have money, liars have money, cheaters have money, well, they need to, don't they? Hobbits have money and so do heartbroken, damaged men, and they ain't afraid to spend it on dating site subscriptions! I was on two  - I know, it fairly reeks of desperation, doesn't it? But you need to speculate to accumulate and one doesn't put all one's eggs into one big shitty basket, now does one? No, one does bloody not do that. Instead I spent an age wording a friendly, smart, hilarious and funny profile. Same pictures on each site, different wording but both good. Both showed a glimpse of me as a person, my sense of humour, my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, (none - well, sleeping but doh! Obviously I didn't include that) what I was looking for etc, etc. The sites then took this information and threw it in a huge melting pot, after which, they came up with who they thought I would be compatible with. Based on Nothing. Whatsoever. From. My. Profile. Fucking genius! What a winning system!! I know what you're saying. "Shame there's no qualification for sarcasm." Well, I think you'll find there is - MOCK GCSEs. And yes, A* for me.

What beggers belief are the gents who have been out to coffee/lunch/dinner with me and then stopped chatting, only to come back at a later date and attempt to strike up conversation as though they had never ABANDONED me!!! (Note the word 'attempt' - you can surely guess the result?)

So, internet dating is over. Dead. For my next trick, I shall attempt to meet someone the old fashioned way, which, for those of you who know me, means that it will be at school. Preferably not a tosser this time though. The school part may be a problem for some people, but not me, because that's where I work!  Obviously not with the students, that would be inappropriate and unethical, but at least if it is with one of the teachers, this time I won't have to report it!

The death knell of dating...

So, that noise, what is it? That, my friends, is the shadowy peal of the bells of doom for dating. The warning clang of bollocks bashing together and the harmonious clatter and smash of bullshit hitting the walls. The slimy layer of lies and snot covered dishonesty that frankly, I should have seen, or at the very least, smelt!

Why the anger? You ask. I'll tell you. Good date, very good date. Lots of conversation, huge amount of laughter, free, uninhibited, easy. Nice meal, nothing extraordinary, but well cooked, presented and served. A few off key comments from the date, obviously used to the finer things in life, and paying for them, but nothing to suggest that actually, he was completely Fucked Up by being a lapsed Catholic, or being a Catholic who had lapsed?? HUGE, HUGE hangups regarding sexuality and sexual freedom. What is it about religious beliefs, both past and present that mangle the soul and spirit into nothingness? For the love of...whatever ISN'T God and isn't Holy, Man Up. Get, The. Fuck. Over. It. I thought sex was supposed to be fun, enjoyable?? No? Got that wrong as well then. Long standing misunderstanding on my part.

And breathe...in with the green and out with the peach. After three days of really weird text messages, I received one that said 'all contact should be severed with immediate effect' (I did say he was a barrister) I responded with 'OK, no worries, smiley face.' (Bound to get on his tits.) Why are men so weird? Why make out that you want one thing when you really want something different? Is it to test out morality or our acting skills? Either way, fuck off.

That, my friends, is that for now. I'm bereft of dates for the time being, totally wrecked by liars and charmers and manipulators. Done by deceivers and dishonesty. Busy at work and occupied by family, those who don't deserve a place in my life don't get one.

Well then, here we are, more than half way through the first month of the New Year. How's it hanging with you? I've a few things  that I need to get off my (ample, but clear) chest. Firstly, why are dates like buses? None for weeks then a whole gang/herd/murder/flock of them turns up. This adds a slight complication to what was supposed to be a simple, easy experience. Do you turn all the dates down until you've had the first one and then put the second possible date from the first candidate on hold until you've experienced the first date with the second candidate, and then the third and so on, until you've dated all of them for a first date, then eliminate the not so good ones before embarking on that second date? If so, what makes a not so good date as compared to a good date? See my write up for a 'shocker' of a date if you need help finding a stunningly low benchmark for this. Is it the lack of physical attraction? The lack of humour? The lack of connection or spark. The wish to kill yourself in order to end the date. See my write up for a 'shocker' of a date. It's all so confusing.
My last relationship was a total fluke in terms of meeting them but turned into a head fuck cunningly disguised as a rescue. Clever to the point of evil genius. No, just evil. Yes, I am BITTER! Fuck off!
So, a second date has been sampled. A different first date is arranged for tomorrow and then another different first date for next weekend. What's a girl to do? The second date was lovely. Good company, felt safe, treated like a laydee, nice venue for lunch, relaxed, friendly, easy...but no chemistry. It may bloom but I don't think so.There are issues regarding distance, living arrangements, the PAST. Oh God. The PAST. It just keeps raising its ugly head (no, its doesn't need an apostrophe because its a possessive of an inanimate form or idea). There is no spark, no sexual jolt or surge of interest. Maybe I should let that go? Maybe I shouldn't be looking for something that might replace what was felt at a different time in my life. Settle for less? I could. I suppose. I'm not going to though, because I'm worth the trouble and the time it may take to be happy. Without resorting to hurting someone in a slow and calculating way, Now, THAT would make me happy!

Yo! Peeps! So here is my profile write up on one particular dating site. What's not to like? No, seriously, what's not to like? I'm obviously the whole package. Reading this is like seeing me as the drunken me, which is the me I would like to be all the time; confident, hilarious and most importantly, drunk! I'd date me after reading this. Wouldn't you???

The one thing I am most passionate about

Breathing! I find that after 46 years, this is definitely the one thing that I'm still passionate about. I try to do it everyday, all day and, if I know me, I probably do it all night long too! Even when I'm asleep!This passion helps to drive all my other passions such as long walks (usually with a pub featured in them), spending quality time with friends and family and gazing at the star studded night sky. (Please ask for a bucket if you need one.)

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is

A pulse! A good sense of humour A spark of intelligence, you don't have to be on Mastermind or have a PhD, but the ability to read without using your index finger to help you is advantageous. You will be financially and emotionally secure and stable, and have a certificate from your psychiatrist to prove the latter. You will be able to share, and I'm not talking about your money or material assets - I don't give a monkey's whatever about that - I'm talking about your time, your affection, your interest. All those things that make the other person feel included, valued and wanted.

The most influential person in my life has been

My children have made me what I am. So if it's good, then give them the credit, and if it's bad then blame them! I pretty much didn't follow any advice given to me when I was younger so any mistakes or misjudgements I made were of my own doing. My English Teacher in High School put me off school and education and it was only later on in my life that I realised I wasn't as thick as she had led me to believe!!! Oh yes, I do believe in Karma!

The first thing people notice about me

I'm 5'11" tall. I have the body of an 18 year old. Where I keep it will remain a secret that I take to my grave, so don't even bother asking. I won't tell the police and I'm not going to tell you. I can come across as a bit shy and awkward at first. This whole dating thing is a hideous experience but I feel I must persevere before taking my vows and retiring to a convent somewhere. (Joking! Ain't going to happen because they won't have me...something to do with a hidden body.) I have a razor sharp wit and can cut people down with a few well chosen words, though I try not to as I like the 'banter'.

I typically spend my leisure time

I occasionally enjoy a really good rummage at a charity shop or car boot! I love to visit friends in France, where I used to live, and share a meal and bottle of wine. My friend told me to write 'long walks on the beach'. She said that would bring the gents flocking to me. I don't really like long walks on the beach, unless there's a really good pub at the end of it! I like to be at home, in front of the fire, playing cards, listening to music or watching something on the TV or a DVD. I enjoy cooking but that's something I do EVERYDAY so it can wear a bit thin at times. 

The one thing I wish MORE people would notice about me

Sometimes I'm drowning, not waving. There are more layers to me that a red onion. I'm not always the bundle of laughs I portray to the outside world. I can be serious and meaningful. I'm very supportive of those around me and I will, and do, put the needs of others before mine.I love intensely. 

 A little more about me

I have nothing against the shorter gentleman. I was married to a chap who was 5'7 for over 20 years, (I wore flats and he was on tip toe most of the time.) However, I would prefer a partner who was taller, or at least, as tall as me. I'm a good person.

Hap, hap, happy New Year!  - Internet Dating - Still on it!

The festivities are behind us now, thank the gods! Not a keen supporter of Christmas. Don't believe in Santa Claus and not a follower/believer in Jesus either. Don't have a problem with Christianity, per se, but religion is a private matter between a person and their chosen god/gods. Rather like having a penis, I'm delighted for you that you have one, I'm pleased that you're pleased you have one, but I would rather you didn't force it on me in any shape or form. (Unless of course, we've discussed it beforehand and agreed on a 'release' word - enough of that!)

Anyway, I'm still banging on about these internet dating sites. Damn it, it can't be difficult to take the basics and chuck up the candidates that fit the criteria, can it? Obviously, there's an art or science to it or I''m putting very complicated instructions down which are being interpreted as 'mixed messages'. (Apparently I was always doing that in the old relationship with the ex. I didn't realise that texting the message 'You spineless fuck' could be misinterpreted, but it did.) For example; your date should be: 5'11" - taller than 6'7", surely this means that the candidates need to be between 5'11" and infinity?? So why, why am I getting chaps as short as 5'1"??? Do they think that because the men request ladies between 4'7" and 6'1" weighing between 6 stone and 10 stone, yes, 10 stone at 6'1", that us women have no idea what 5'1" looks like? I know for a fact that most men have no idea what a 6'1" woman looks like who weighs 10 stone, especially as they include the fact that she can be 'a few extra pounds'! Where are these extra pounds? Oh, yes, silly me, in her purse of course! Height is a bloody issue for me. I'm very tall for a girl. I like to feel like a girl when out on a date, not like Princess bloody Fiona or someone out with their small son! I have nothing against shorter men, except my boobs in their face if we're in a crowded lift, but I want some height!

My second misinterpreted request is that my date should: have kids, and not want kids. Does that make sense to you? He should have had kids with someone else, I'm not bothered with whom, when, how or where, how old they are or if they live with him, with her or a mix of the two. I want him to see his children and give them care and love etc. This is so that he understands that children take time, energy, love and money, and that sometimes, dates, evenings out, evenings in, early nights etc, can be suddenly shunted off course due to the needs/wants of said children. BUT I do not want to have children with him in the future, and I don't want him to want to have children in the future. Why? Because we both ALREADY have some! Plus, I took myself to the vet and had myself spayed years ago when I realised that having babies was bad for your mental health, disrupted sleep and turned normal sized boobs into comic strip ones. It's not rocket science, it really isn't. Those are my two basic criteria. Height and kids. An added extra is the ability to read without a)moving your lips and b)using your index finger. Apart from that, I'll consider anything. No, really, I will. As long as he looks like the person in his profile picture.

Internet Dating - Part Two

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "Six months without smoking and three STONE of weight put on??? (Fat cow!). Bet you didn't show that on YOUR profile pictures!" No, you're damn right I didn't! However, in my defense, your Honour, I did tell the ugly munter that I was hefting a load  around! I was upfront and honest. I do still have an hourglass figure, it just happens to be a bit of a bigger, more generous hourglass than it was! I also informed him that my hair was a different colour - isn't it always??? I got into hair colour quite late in life so I have thousands of treatments to try and change, before my hair turns to straw or falls out.

The whole issue of honesty comes rearing its ugly head on internet dating sites. The pictures for a bloody start. How old are they? Are they actually you? There should be more than one. They should be clear! Not fuzzy. I don't mind the odd pic that's obviously years old, as long as there's a recent one to show you how the aging process has changed the person. Have they aged well? Are they recognisable as themselves? Would their own mother be able to pick them out of a identikit book using the photo on their profile? If not, DON'T use it!

Obviously, we're all human and we all want to come across looking our best. We are, after all, trying to find a mate, even if we're no longer interested in procreating with this mate, we want to fancy them and be fancied in return, so we post good photos of ourselves, not the ones where we're off our tits drunk. Or asleep on the sofa after a huge roast, snoring our piggin' heads off and dribbling. Or the ones of us gurning. DO YOU SEE THIS DAVEYBOY62??? Not a good look! By all means, put your suit on, a clean shirt, have a shave or tidy up your beard, and...here comes the deal breaker, SMILE! Yes, gentlemen, smile at the camera, make the prospective love of your life see what a friendly, joyful, cheeky, happy chap you are. If I had a pound for every scowling, scary and furious looking man I have come across, I'd have £678. I've only been on it for 2 weeks.

Internet Dating - Blind Dating - Speed Dating - Any Dating - Gotta be Good, Right?

So, hi there. Here's the background so far...I'm 46, 6 foot tall, and quite a bit overweight, due to giving up smoking and regular sex (threw my DP out at the same time as the fags) about 6 months ago. Gave myself 6 months to get over the nicotine cravings without worrying about the additional weight that Mother Nature was going to bestow on me. That 6 months is now up. The bitch decided that 3 stone was a nice round number. So, here I am, a clean lunged, fat arsed, middle aged woman.

There are also issues regarding the ex. Many issues. Harder to give up than the fags - didn't sneak the odd smoke once the 'stop' day was done, but DID keep creeping back for a shag. NOT GOOD. Either for morale or self esteem. Let's just say, I could give 70% chocolate a run for its money regarding the bitter stakes! More like 85% plus. I feel contempt for myself for feeling this bitter. I keep telling myself to 'GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!' Yes, shouting at myself. Anyway, this episode is not about the ex, that mind-games player, two faced, forked tongued, lying, deceitful, disloyal, thoughtless, witless, brainless, dickless shit. No, it's about the next stage. Internet dating.

Yesterday, I went on a blind date. Blind, as in I had never seen the man before. Except in pictures on his profile. Now, two main points here. One, being blind would have been a wonderful advantage, as he was a prize munter! Looked nothing like the man in the photos. For starters, his eyes, which were sunken, watery and like slightly off eggs, didn't look in the same direction. One was looking at me, the other one was looking for me. I had to do a complete 'what a lovely present, you shouldn't have!' face, while thinking 'OMG, he's seen me and it's too late to jump back in the car and run away!' Rough, didn't do him justice. Dragged through a hedge, across a busy motorway, through a field or two, shaved by a blind man with a spoon and dressed via the catapult method, resulted in a man who looked disheveled, dirty and OLD!!! Secondly, what dark arts did he use to portray himself as trendy, fresh and good looking? Photoshop? Himself, but 15 years ago? Another person? I'm sorely tempted to contact Trading Standards and complain.